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ZOMBIE BANANAS TERRORIZE SMALL TOWN IN NORTH CAROLINA


Destiny Jones, Questioner Correspondent

15 March 2011

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LIZARD LICK, N.C. - A small town in North Carolina finds themselves in turmoil after a shipment of undead fruit arrived a month ago. Authorities say that the threat is real and that five people have already been killed and several others injured by the offending produce, primarily from head injuries due to slipping on peels discarded by the terrorizing monsters.

Sheriff J. W. Pepper has requested permission from Mayor Joe McCheese to institute a curfew to help control the situation, but the mayor refuses to acquiesce. Critics of the mayor suggest that he refuses to agree to the much needed restrictions due to it being an election year. "Utter poppycock!" was the statement released from McCheese's office.

"We need calm and patience. We don't need a panic in the streets," cautioned the mayor in a public statement that he gave, lasting over one hour, in which he detailed what his office is doing to handle the current crisis.

"He interupted my favorite soap," was the response of Jackie Penny, 86, resident of Lizard Lick. "Now how am I supposed to learn if Henry is the father of Mary's baby or not."


Mayor McCheese refused to return our calls for an official response to our accusations of his office using this tragedy for political gains.

 

Reports of violent fruit injury and death by state since 2010 (darker shades = higher number):

Blue - 20 - 100
Green - 101 - 150
Yellow - 151 - 200
Orange - 201 - 250
Red - 251+

The Department of Homeland Security has on their official website a list of suggested guidelines for citizens facing a fruit attack. In their list of one hundred suggested actions, chief was the purchase of duct tape to seal all entryways. Switching to vegetables is anther efficient method of combatting violent fruit since vegetables rarely become aggressive. For more tips, contact your local branch of Homeland Security.

As far as residents of Lizard Lick, their experience can be summed up in the words of Gerald Schultz (no relation to the beloved comic strip artist), "It's horrifiying. We are living in a nightmare that we cannot wake from. Why doesn't someone do something?"